Day 1 - Tuesday, August 18

In doing the math, I have figured out that in three months, it will be November 19. A date that seems so far away, but yet three months, or 12 weeks doesn't really seem like it's that far off. I'm thinking now that I graduated May 18. Today, I have already been graduated for three months...and a whole shit load has changed since then...

But I'm not here to reminisce on the past...I'm here to talk about my thoughts of the day, and what occurred between my morning brushing and my evening brushing (which I honestly have not done yet...forgive me, but I'll get to that later...)

It's Tuesday - so for anyone that knows me, they know it's my day off. Because I was in the Macy's breakroom yesterday and I heard them talk about how it was going to be a perfect beach day tomorrow (meaning today, or yesterday since it's past midnight now...shit whatever), I figured what better way to spend a Tuesday then to sleep in and try for my fourth beach attempt of the summer (as in I have failed 3 previous times to go to the beach, and this would be my fourth time attempting...not my fourth time at the actual beach...)

I threw on sun tan lotion, strapped on my bathing suit, boxers and a racer back tank top and flew out the door with nothing but towel, water, my ipod and a few other accouterments. I took the green line to Government Center and hopped on the blue line and headed all the way out to Revere Beach. I set up my area on the sand half way between the water and the end of the beach...and it was glorious. The sun was hot, and not much else happened there, except I enjoyed the sun and definitely got my beach time in for the week.

I didn't really do anything special...I saw a really cute guy that I thought was my Macy's security guard for a moment, but he wasn't really...but he was playing soccer and I was entertaining the idea of going over and talking to him, until this other girl beat me to it. But after talking for about 3 minutes they embraced, and I figured they must have known each other before hand unless people have recently started hugging after only knowing each other for three minutes and meeting on a beach...I watched them for a little while, laid back in the sun and then decided it was time to call it quits as the sun grew higher and hotter in the sky...

I journeyed home and took a shower, trying to decide what to do next. I cleaned up my room a little, and threw on the dress that I had bought yesterday from the store, a silk white dress with black and gray floral patterns - the type of summer dress that makes you say "ahhh it's summer"....or the type of summer dress that makes you say "thank goodness I'm wearing a silk floral dress because my skin is killing me from this sunburn and this is the only fabric thats making it stay cool" (or something to that effect...)

In an effort to not accumulate any more library fees for overdue books, I thought it a good idea to walk down to the BPL and return the 5 books that I had borrowed a month ago...out of 5 that I took out, I only read one, and as I carried them through the heat (even my light silk dress couldn't save me from sweating under the weight of them), I realized that I take out way too many books when I visit the BPL...so I decided against doing that anymore...I browsed around the library, enjoying the air conditioning, looking at a few books that I was interested in perhaps taking out at another time when i actually have time to read the books that I check out...books about the history of boston, autobiographical books, books about musical theater and music...there's so much I want to learn - that's one thing that i have discovered about myself...its that i'm not finished learning yet, nor do I think I ever want to be...

anyway - i went home after that and changed into sweat pants and a tee shirt because my silk dress was proving too pretty for me to sweat like a man in...so i peeled it all off and headed to vinny t's for dinner since I didn't feel like cooking anything, and hey, today was my day off - i wanted to go out to my favorite restaurant and get something, anything, to eat...

I brought the food back to my place, and after eating more bread than I should of (but can you blame me? it's SO delicious), I had a carb coma and just passed out after eating...
I should mention that today while at the beach I was thinking of going to Fajitas and Ritas with Sean and Brian since they're both moving back home soon, and asked them to come with me. I didn't hear back from either of them....I also thought about how the last time I was at a beach was with Mark at Myrtle Beach...that made me miss him even more...it's funny how even just a touch of wind can make you think of someone...
I was dreaming about something, when I heard Demi Lovato go off on my phone..."Did you forget...I was even alive" makes me think of him all the time...speaking of, I really should change that"...Sean heary texted me and said he would be down...at that point I really didn't want to go, but I thought I would get dressed anyway (battling a possible headache), and put some makeup on, brushed my teeth (!), and again, threw on my silk floral dress and headed down to my once favorite hangout, WERS. Being back at that station again always gives me a thrill...it's weird to know that I will never belong there again as I once did...an alumni versus a student...hmmm...
anyway - i waited outside the station for Sean afer telling me that BRock Bailed, and we decided to go to Ryles to watch his friend play piano...
as we walked I thought aout how much I didn't want to go to Cambridge first of all because it is so far out and I have work tomorrow, and because I really don't have the money to go there...but i did anyway and I took out money anyway - because now that Sean and BRock are leaving, I'm gonna have a lot less money to spend when i go out with them :( meaning i'm going to miss our trips to Rock bottom and atwoods...i'l have money then when people can't go out during school and they're all working...for now, the summer is for spending money...
anyway - we headed to Ryles to watch a really cool jazz band "Bitches brew Band" (yes, it's a miles davis cover band of sorts), and we had a really great time - splitting nachos, and seltzer water and beer and it was a lot of fun...
but al the while, I couldnt help think of him...he always seems to flood back into my memory even when i'm desperately trying to forget him...jazz reminds me of him...drumming reminds me of him...music in general reminds me of him...and the only thing i could think of as i watched other couples, was how much he would enjoy this if he were here, and how much more i would have enjoyed it if he was there too...but alas - there's nothing you can do, i suppose...
after a "bitching" time, if you will, sean walked me back to the bus stop and waited for the bus with me...when it finally came, i immediately pulled out my cell phone and began to write...that's my new thing you know - writing poetry on my cell phone when i dont have a pad and pencil around - it's weird but i guess i have to keep up with new technology...plus it's also faster :P

as I sat on the train watching couples come in from date nights and other jaunts, I can only think of how much fun we have together...the stops on the train seem to float by quickly as I drown in thoughts of the way we used ot hold hands and if he still thinks i'm hot...on the walk home from hynes it was the worst: does he still think i'm hot, does he think i'm one of those chicks with doucebag chicks that he has up on his facebook status...i checked my phone to see the last time we talked - it was actually july 27th - i felt kind of proud of myself...but i know it's only been about a week and a half since we texted - so i don't feel that proud of myself...
either way i wonder if we'll ever get back together...my gut tells me that we're made for each other but everyone else tells me to get over it...i've met a few pretty amazing guys over the past six months since we've broken up and i haven't really been into anyone of them...does that mean i still love him? am i waiting for him? or am i just being a bitch and lying to myself...who really knows? if not me, then who? And so it goes just walking home from hynes thinking about whether he still watches the video we made for each other, does he ever read any of our old emails and miss that? or is he on to that new girl whos number that he got...why am i, the dominant person in our relationship, the one that's feeling so left behind...
i guess there's really no reason or explination for it...it's just what i'm feeling...

and now, with the sounds of water being poured outside my window (someone's air conditioning draining?!) and the images of shadows on my wall from the trees outside, I think im' done for the day...

i'll let you know what happens tomorrow, but for now...

I'm brushing my teeth and going to bed...